Friday, May 13th (bumped to Friday, May 16th)

Tonight my friend José had some great news!  He’s going to have a photography exhibit!  He’s worked so hard on trying to forge his way in the photography world, so I’m really proud of him!  And I got a personal invitation!  Well, Kate did too, but I know he’d like to be more than friends with me.  I hope he gets over that soon.  I don’t want our friendship damaged over this.  I’m not interested.

God, sometimes I wonder if I’m broken.  I’ve never had an interest in anyone.  I know some people might say there’s nothing wrong with not having an interest in anyone and that asexuality is a real thing and is just a variation of human sexuality, but I don’t know.  I always did want to find my Prince Charming and be swept off my feet.  Does this still count as being asexual?  Since I like guys and just haven’t found any who does it for me, does that make me straight still?  Sometimes I’m confused, and don’t know who to talk to about it, or if I’m just some freak who doesn’t belong anywhere.

For a split second tonight, Christian Grey crossed my mind when I was thinking about some of this.  Maybe I’ll just settle for someone like him, and since people like him are control freaks, I wouldn’t even have to deal with any of the figuring-it-out.  But that’s not Prince Charming.  That’s settling.  I’ve been feeling queasy since he’s been in my dreams, or nightmares.  On the one hand, I feel some relief in those dreams not having to figure anything out, but there’s also no respect for me in my own dreams, and he belittles me in them and doesn’t listen to what I say.  He falls far short from my lifelong dream of a sweetheart swooping in and making me feel loved and cherished and respected.

Maybe my standards are too high, and I should lower them.  Instead of loved, I guess someone who at least wants to own me and keep me around.  Cherished and respected?  Optional?  No, how about…  I don’t know.  I just don’t want to be alone forever, and I’m 21 and haven’t ever dated or been kissed, and since the only common link in all my dating problems is me, I’m the one who needs to change.  My standards can go to hell.

When I watched José open the wine he brought to celebrate his gallery show, I admired his ass a bit, and his strong shoulders.  He’s loved me since we met and found out our dads were army buddies, and he’s cherished and respected me.  But that just hasn’t made me want him.  When he got the cork out of the bottle, he looked at me and smiled, and I smiled back, I think, but I really wanted to cry.


Met # of days ago: 4

Days with contact: 1

Number of days dating: 0