All bold text is from quoted directly from the book.

Monday, May 23rd (bumped to Monday, May 26th)

He raped me.  That fucker raped me!!  I didn’t see that coming.  I think he thought he bought me since he sent mea MacBook Pro this morning.  We had an exchange of e-mails and he ordered me to look up Submissive, and that made me sick to my stomach.  I don’t want to give up all my rights to my body!!  Three months.  I thought I could do that.  I can.  I could.  I don’t know!  I sent him an e-mail I meant as a joke.  Okay, I’ve seen enough.  It was nice knowing you.  But he didn’t know it was a joke.  I thought he’d reply right back, but he didn’t.  I started packing my room for Kate’s and my move to Seattle, but Christian showed up.  And I mean he showed UP!  Kate wasn’t here, and I didn’t open the door.  It’s always locked.  He broke in!  He told me he felt [my] email warranted a reply in person.  Okay, but to break the fuck in?!  And just invited himself into my bedroom.  I glance around it, plotting an escape route.  There’s a window with a dead-drop, and the door.  I was stuck.

“It’s very serene and peaceful in here,” he murmurs.  Not at the moment… I thought.  Not with you here.

How am I going to dig myself out of this?  If I tell him it was a joke, I don’t think he’ll be impressed.

“Well, I thought I should come and reming you how nice it was knowing me.”

Okay.  I was not getting out of this.  I was stuck, and so lunged for him, figuring if I take the lead, maybe I’ll be safer.  But he didn’t like that, tied me up, and decided he wanted my feet.  Since I had just been running, I wasn’t comfortable with that.

“No,” I protest, trying to kick him off.

Did he listen?  Fuck no.

“If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet too.  If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you.  Keep quiet.  Katherine is probably outside listening right now.”

Of course he knows I don’t want to be overheard, but should me telling him no tell him I mean NO?!  I didn’t agree to be his sub.  MY NO STILL MEANS NO!!!!

And even though he said Kate might be here, he got naked and went to the kitchen anyway.  What the hell?  So he didn’t care if she got startled by seeing him?  I wish she had been there.  After he finished, and my body betrayed me by giving him the response he wanted, he told me he could introduce me to one of his former subs, the one who molested him.  Is he deliberately trying to upset me?  On top of all else he’s already done?  I finally got him to leave, and by then I could hear Kate in her room on the phone  I don’t know if she got home before he went out there naked, or after, but I want to scream.

But then I got confused.  I’m no longer angry with him, I feel suddenly unbearably shy.  I don’t want him to go.  For the first time, I’m wishing he was — normal — wanting a normal relationship that doesn’t need a ten-page agreement, a flogger, and karabiners in his playroom ceiling. 

Now I feel like a receptacle — an empty vessel to be filled at his whim.

He did at least pick up me being upset, and asked if I was okay.  I told him I was, though in all honesty I’m just not sure.  I feel a paradigm shift.  I know that if I do this thing with him, I will get hurt.  He’s not capable, interested or willing to offer me any more.

The surge of jealousy I felt only moments ago tells me that I have deeper feelings for him than I have admitted to myself.

He finally left, and I broke.  I have an overwhelming urge to cry, a sad and lonely melancholy grips and tightens round my heart.  Dashing back to my bedroom, I close the door and lean against it trying to rationalize my feelings.  I can’t.  Sliding to the floor, I put my head in my hands as my tears begin to flow.

Kate tried to make me feel better, but it didn’t help.  She said he was interested in me, like it’s a good thing.  I tried claiming some control and e-mailed him what I wanted changed about the contract and he got mad at me and e-shouted GO TO BED ANASTASIA.

How can he intimidate me when he’s six miles away?  I don’t know, but he does, and tonight I will have a troubled sleep.


Met # of days ago: 14

Days with contact: 7

Number of days dating: 2

Advertisements