All bold text is from quoted directly from the book.

Sunday, May 29th (bumped to Sunday, June 1st)

I woke up to an email from Christian telling me to meet him at his place.  The drive up in my car was enjoyable.  Just a coast up I5.  When I got there, well, I knew I looked good.  I knew I didn’t have a chance at getting away untouched, so at least I prepared.  I’m taking some charge!  Go me!  The undies Taylor bought (strange though to wear lingerie someone else got me, though the though makes me flush).  Agent Provocateur answered the door, and he smiled warmly.  I do like him.  He’s a lot nicer than Christian.

I met Christian in the living room, and it was actually a nice couple minutes, really mellow, and he told me we’re meeting his parents later.  Then he told me the doctor was going to be there soon.  Holy cow–the doctor.  I’d forgotten.  A house call.  On Sunday.  She got there just a few minutes after I did, and Christian made sure I knew what I was to him.  “I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispers.  “I can’t wait to get you naked.”

I’m a sex toy.

After the doctor did her thing and wrote me a prescription for the pill, Christian and I engaged in the one thing we have in common, and that’s more sex. I don’t think we have anything else in common.  Pathetic.  But at least the sex was good this time!  I came over dressed to impress, got to talk to the doctor on my own like a big girl, and felt confident.  He brought out the crop, and I was flying high wanting to do it.  And I really did like it this time!

I took a nap, and when I got up, it was almost time to go meet his parents.  I really didn’t want to, but does he ever leave me a choice?  I took a shower, and found out he stole my underwear.  I knew he wanted me to beg for them back.  I wasn’t going to though.  I want power, dammit!

So we danced for a few minutes, and me with my power, I felt like an equal.  See, if things were like this more, where we could tease each other, I could maybe genuinely be happy.

While in the car on the way to see his parents, I wondered, Would I do it again?…Of course I would, if he asked me–as long as he didn’t hurt me and if it’s the only way to be with him.   I don’t understand why I want to be with someone who stalks me and treats me like an object he wants to use a few months and then discard.

Christian’s sister, Mia, was so bouncy and overexcited that she seemed like a puppy on speed finally freed from a cage.  Oh my god, she was so twee.

When I saw Kate there, it occurs to be suddenly that the only reason Christian invited me is because Kate is here.  Elliot probably freely and happily asked Kate to meet his parents.  Christian was trapped–knowing that I would have found out via Kate.  I frown at the thought.  He’s been forced into the invitation.  The realization is bleak and depressing.  He really didn’t care about having me there.

At some point I mentioned that I was planning to go visit my mom in Georgia, and Christian got pissed.  He spoke deceptively soft and his jaw clenches as he asked me when I was going, and tells me he has a twitchy palm.  I know he means he wants to hit me.  If we count the first day we had sex, we’ve been together just eight days.  He hasn’t even called me his girlfriend.  What right does he have getting in my business?

When he asked when I was going to tell him, he’s masking his anger.  I reminded him I didn’t sign the contract.  No arrangement.  “This conversation is not over,” he whispers threateningly.  I was a bit angry myself.  Then when he found out I saw Jose, his tone was quiet and deadly.  Wait, I want a guy who is threatening and deadly?

Dinner was just dinner and typical conversation, and after, he asked if I wanted a tour of the grounds.  I know I’m meant to say yes, but I don’t trust him.  He didn’t give me a choice, and dragged me by my hand outside.  Then he threw me over his shoulder and slapped me.  He didn’t let me down until we were in the boathouse.  I couldn’t take my eyes off him, watching him like one would watch a rare and dangerous predator, waiting for him to strike.  “Please don’t hit me,” I whisper, pleading.  “I don’t want you to spank me, not here, not now.  Please don’t.”

I was terrified, but surprised that he kind of agreed.  He decided to fuck me instead, but he told me, “This will be quick, and it’s for me, not you.  Do you understand?  Don’t come, or I will spank you.”  And I know he means it.  He’ll hit me, even though I begged him not to.  He didn’t give me a chance to say no before he thrust into me, and when he was done, his eyes blaze anew, angry again.  What the hell did I do wrong?  His sister called for us, so we had to leave.

He told me he still wanted to spank me, and I told him I don’t believe I deserve is…especially after tolerating that unprovoked attack.  He doesn’t get that it was the best form of defense against his “twitchy palm” that he wanted to hit me with.  Then we started to leave, and even though I asked him not to, he slapped me again anyway.  “I will do it gain, Anastasia, and soon,” he threatens.  Don’t my no’s mean anything to him?

When we got back inside, Kate aid Christian needs to be antagonize so I can see what he’s really like.  She doesn’t get it.  I know what he’s really like!  Right?

Getting in the car was a relief until he started interrogating me about why I wanted to go to Georgia, and why I felt I need a break from the intensity of things.  Eight days.  I don’t quite know what to say  So I say, “Because I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy,  Because I can’t touch you, because I’m too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse–beat me?”  I shouldn’t even feel love yet.  His moods…oh-and he wants to hurt me.  He says he’ll think about my reservations, but it still scares me.  I’m scared.

Upstairs in his apartment, he was playful in his room until I needed to use the bathroom.  This didn’t make sense, but neither does a lot of things right now.  I’m rushing him.  He’s not ready and neither am I.  We need to step back.  This is all so quick.  Maybe I need some distance.  Georgia seems more appealing than ever.

I realized I could maybe negotiate answers.  Why doesn’t he want me to touch him?  I told him he could hit me if he told me.  It wasn’t so bad this time.  He shoved a couple balls into me first, and the spanking was softer.  So it didn’t really hurt.  He fucked me, and finally tole me his mother was a crack-whore who died when he was four.  I was tired, and didn’t want to question any more.  Today’s been too long already.  A dazed and exhausted sleep is trying to pull me under for tonight.


Met # of days ago: 20

Days with contact: 11

Number of days dating: 8