Oh dear.  As if the world wasn’t inflicted with enough pain with the Twilight movies.  To be fair, I rather enjoy them for their unintentional hilarity.  Even genuine fans couldn’t watch Edward sparkle with a heavenly tintinnabulation without laughing.  Few fans were happy to find out the battle sequence at the end of the last movie was nothing more than a dream sequence to make something at all happen, but for the short time I crossed my fingers that it wasn’t (I was invited to an advanced screening, and live-Facebooked the…experience), that was cool.  Something happened!  Other than everyone standing around talking before the supposed-bad-guys shrugged and went home!!

Well, we all thought Twilight was behind us, and considering how even her diehard fans were extremely disappointed and returned the books in spades to prevent her from getting royalties (note: I don’t support returning books because you didn’t like it any more than I’d support returning a new type of snack food because you don’t like it–buyer’s remorse is on the buyer), leaving it to the past would seem to be the best.  But then along came The Host, and though most of her readers were left-over fans from Twilight, many complained that they couldn’t get far into it, or that it took hundreds of pages to become interested.

On to producing.  Austenland proved to be a box office flop, grossing less than a third of its budget, and has been widely panned.  It rated sightly better than The Host, though The Host at least managed to earn back its production costs.  The last two Twilight movies, Breaking Dawn part 1 and part 2, are widely considered to be the worst in a series, nay, of the year 2012 (with a whopping 11 Razzie nominations in almost every category for part 2), already scoffed at as comedies that were meant to be serious romances. Her cameo in at the overly-long wedding has been the source or much snickering (cameos should be brief, not several seconds focused on your face as you watch your dream wedding, not repeatedly and from every angle, and not force the audience to watch literally every single step of it too).

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But Twilight brought in serious cash.  Since her other book bombed, her attempts at producing have only really resulted in a gross positive when tied to Twilight, and her brother, Seth, has an uncomfortable obsession with micromanaging his cash-cow sister’s career, basically sending the message that her value is in a series started by a middle-aged woman’s wet dream over a teenaged boy who wanted to kill her, I suppose it’s what she has left, especially now that the worst fanfic in the history of ever has dethroned it.

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I’m coveting that throne.  Look at it!  Pretty sweet.

Twilight is being brought back from the dead (haha…) as a series of short films to be released exclusively on Facebook (you can use Facebook Purity to block Facebook’s ads and stream of revenue).  Fan reviews are mixed, with some saying they want to know something about the backstories of Carlisle or Rosalie (both covered in extreme depth in the books, as well as in the Official Illustrated Guide), while many others are saying this series is d-u-n-DONE.

On the one hand, I do think Twilight is so two years ago.  But on the other, maybe it can help divert attention from its spawn.  From a self-centered view, I’m thinking it might be able to revive vampires (again, haha…), along with Anne Rice’s revival of Interview With the Vampire with Prince Lestat: The Vampire Chronicles, due out this month.

All in all, this just feels like a giant leap backward into a series that died…  You know what?  The puns write themselves.  I’m going to go pour a glass of wine and get back to writing about non-sparkling vampires.

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