This may be disjointed. I’m awfully tired.
I’ve had a growing concern for a while. Quite often we see people blasting anyone who dares to criticize certain manners of dress, or anyone having an issue with jokes (aside from race and sexuality and gender jokes, since it’s okay to always be mad over those jokes). What society says these days is that, if other people have a problem, then other people have the problem, and so do what you want, wear what you want, say what you want, other people be damned.
In past decades, how we dressed, what we said, and what we did all took into consideration the way other people would feel. When you’re doing something, you’re the active party. They, by doing nothing more than existing in the same space, are the passive party. When you left home, you dressed neatly without underwear and butt cheeks hanging out. You didn’t openly criticize people for fun (I’m more than aware of how passive-aggressiveness was made into something of an art form, though people were still nicer about it). Even if you didn’t genuinely care, you were courteous and used good manners since it was the right thing to do. When being active, use manners. You, the active party, chose your actions to show courtesy to others. The passive ones, the other people who happen to exist, were owed that much, and everyone behaved this way toward others. People who didn’t were seen as crass.
But these days, that’s dead. Everything is about yourself rather than about those around you. You can actively be an asshole, and still the passive people who exist around you are supposed to suck it up and approve.
Tonight I was at a wedding, and I fell down the stairs. I landed on my tail bone and am swollen. I went down the stairs hard enough to destroy a show. My left arm hurts, and my abdomen is hurting enough that period cramps would be preferable. A lot of people saw this. I went home to change, mostly so that I might be less recognizable when more people got there.
When I got back, I found out that everyone knew, and despite the dress change, it’s not hard to know who is being talked about when there’s only one redhead. Rather than concern, I was teased. I can count the number of people who were concerned on one hand, but I could’t begin to count how many people joked, at my expense, about falling, demanding to see my shoes and joking not to fall again, even someone who demanded to see my shoes (low heels) and saying, jokingly, didn’t I learn the first time.
Guess what. It’s not a joke when the target isn’t laughing and is having trouble walking. Yet by today’s standards, since I’m “the other person” to each and every one of those other people, I’m the one whose supposed to deal with it. If I have a problem, I’m the one whose supposed to deal with it.
My husband was in the wedding party. He and our daughter sat at the head table. Though I was invited to join (he was the only person with a partner who wasn’t in the party), there wasn’t an open seat. So I wandered around until I found one. I dealt with jokes about not falling, but not a single concern. It’s okay to be the active person and laugh as the passive injured person. I found a seat, but was teased a bit, then ignored by the people who knew each other. I, as an outsider to their group, didn’t expect to be included, but I didn’t expect to be teased.
In the end, I missed dinner since I was inside the mansion crying and texting one of my best friends.
The thing is, I know none of those people saw their chosen actions as wrong. As far as they were all concerned, they were joking, and if I didn’t like it, I could deal with it since anything else would be censorship or something. None of them would have a problem with their behavior since society deems their chosen behavior toward someone’s existence as acceptable, with the burden on me.
A joke is funny to both parties. I have friends who I can joke with viciously. We know our limits. We don’t joke with someone who is flustered as a result of our joking, or someone who isn’t laughing too. When someone’s not enjoying it, the appropriate response is to apologize and stop, not to keep laughing. That crosses the line into bullying.
Our society is conditioning bullies. Bullies care about themselves. If they hurt other people, who cares. The targets, the victims, should suck it up. How can our kids learn differently when the example set for them is to care about yourself only instead of caring about other people first, and then yourself? I know there’s always been a problem to some degree of bullying. Kids used to get to work it out, though these days, the passive party, the victim, will get punished. Our society now says all the victims should remain passive for the sake of the bully.
While we adults might not take is as far as the stereotypical playground bully, it’s still bullying, and it’s still setting the example for kids that being self-centered is good, and other people expecting you to care about others is bad. How awful that it’s okay for everyone to care about themselves to the exclusion of others. No wonder rudeness is so common! Be rude, and you get rude back, and it’s a snowballing cycle!
If we want to be effective in lowering the rate of bullying, we really need to start caring about others again, and to try to make choices, from dress to words, that show courtesy and consideration for others. Our kids need to see us not dressing in see-through clothing while saying other people can suck it up since their opinions don’t matter. Our kids need to see us using our manners, saying “please” and “thank you” and not trashing people behind their backs. Our kids need to see us stopping the jokes before the butt of them is hurt, and apologizing if it goes too far.
It just really all clicked in tonight when I was crying and hungry and not wanting to go deal with more teasing, that those people didn’t see their actions as bullying since our society protect bullying by saying it’s “just joking around.” It’s not funny. It’s really not, and things need to change. Right now, kids are learning that bullying is okay. I think this is why we have such a growing problem.
Stop and really think about all the myriad ways targets of different chosen actions are expected to just suck it up because society excuses the active person’s bad behavior that is no longer bad because the respect is supposed to be for whatever choice the active person makes, instead of for the passive. We MUST start showing courtesy again to other people in all things we do, and consistently, if we’re to have any hope of cutting bullying, and this means looking at our own behavior to see where we take it too far and send the message that others don’t matter.
I’m not sure if my back or my feelings are more hurt right now, but I do need to law down and try to sleep through it. I’m pretty bony, and can feel my sitz bone on the right side, but my left, which took the majority of the force, is so swollen that, even when I press as hard as I can bear it, I can’t find the bone.
Ouch! For several reasons. I’m so sorry that happened to you tonight. I’m sorry that you fell down stairs – something that is frightening and unsettling in itself – and I’m sorry that you were hurt in the fall, and I’m especially sorry that you were treated so shabbily when you got back there. They should have shown some sympathy and looked after you and made sure you had a comfortable seat and that your had food and were generally looked after, and of course the people you sat with should also have made an effort to include you in their conversation. You weren’t with a bunch of total strangers with no connection. It was a wedding, and your husband was in the wedding party and he and your daughter were at the main table! It’s only common human decency to include people and make them feel welcome and included in such circumstances, especially when you’ve been shaken up like that.
I hope you haven’t fractured something.
Nothing fractured, thank goodness, just a lot of pain. I agree that courtesy is to include people, yet our modern society has made it okay to exclude and tease since we are in a time when it’s all self-focused. The 80’s was known as the me-generation since self-centeredness was “new” and “revolutionary,” yet even back then, it wasn’t so bad as today. In the 80’s, people acknowledged it happening. These days, it’s so common that no one thinks twice about their behavior and the message it sends to kids.
I’m sorry to hear about what happened. I wouldn’t hold it against you if you never invited any of those people to another party, wedding, or social event, especially after that incident. Of course, even then that gesture is kind of a loaded gun with a lot of people.
I hope you feel better, physically and emotionally.
I don’t blame the couple or their families. I blame the people who actually did the teasing. I’m not going to give a pass just because they didn’t realize their behavior was bad. But this is why we actually need to be regressive in the area of manners and courtesy. As people are becoming increasingly self-absorbed and society praises this (notice how the Kardashians are role models while people who are out there trying to make a difference for others are overlooked), we can expect to see it getting worse, and kids are learning that this is acceptable.
I’m so sorry you fell and hope you heal quickly! Falling down stairs is a fear of mine – the loss of control – I’m glad you didn’t hit your head at least!
The wedding folks were crappy hosts and the guests were terrible. Plus they had some nerve asking about your shoes – a man would never be asked this after a stair fall. That lack of concern and caring speaks volumes about the kind of people they are.
I agree with your thoughts on bullying. I spent a lot of my childhood and much of my adult life (via customer service work) being bullied and it’s only in recent years I’ve learned to stand up to people (and yes, this got me in trouble plenty). It’s amazing how “offended” and incensed people become when you tell them behaving or speaking rudely is unacceptable and they need to stop.
I’m not blaming the hosts for the oversight, but I am definitely blaming the guests who thought their behavior was acceptable and even funny. I would have been fine sitting at that table by myself surrounded by people who knew each other if they hadn’t added some teasing and then ignored my existence until I couldn’t stay there anymore. If I had stayed around the other guests any longer, I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t have ended up yelling at people and making a scene.
I tried to make sure the hosts were unaware of what was going on, which is part of why I removed myself. They are people I love, and my daughter calls the bride her sister, and the bride’s mother she calls one of her grandmas. They’re good people who made an error, and I know they’d feel bad if it was brought to their attention. Since the wedding was two only-kids, bringing it up so the same error wouldn’t happen again is pointless. There isn’t any future wedding planning planned.
It’s twisted how it’s rude to call others out on their rudeness and bullying. In fact, the greater offense is to not silently take it. How has it come to happen that being a rude bully is okay, but woe and shame if the victim says anything? In the 50’s, it was okay to exclude people who chose to behave that way. By today, it’s rude to not invite the rude people. This is the largest part of why I don’t host parties anymore. I don’t want to help further the message that someone can be mean and get a pass for it.
Worse, though, is the PRAISE for people who are brazenly self-centered enough that it sticks out among a sea of people doing the same things to smaller degrees.
I had a bad fall in work once and had a black eye after and needed a few stitches! I was really embarrassed by it and was worried about what people would say but most people were actually really nice about it. Word spread though, it seemed like the whole company knew! Anyway, I’m sorry about your experience, that sounds awful
I could count the number of people who showed an genuine concern after I got back to the wedding on one hand. Too bad your coworkers weren’t there in place of the guests who thought it was okay to tease an injured person.
Alys, first of all, are you OK? If the swelling doesn’t go down soon you may have to get yourself over to urgent care and have your tailbone checked out. I’m actually surprised you didn’t go that night.
Next, think of nice things, like those clowns you sat at the table with aren’t worth your time. You’ll never see them again. For them to be THAT rude just isn’t worth the effort. Think of the important things that you are doing now, like keeping the women of the world safe from bad writers like EL James. No, it’s true. By pointing out how bad EL is and how EL has attempted to ‘normalize’ all her abuse-is-arousing crap you can actually help save thousands of women from being repeat victims when they take their rapists to court and the defense attorneys point to EL’s books and say “Look, this is a popular belief that millions of women want this (stalking-coercion-rape) so my client should go free because he gave this woman what she truly wanted.” All the defense needs is one or two on the jury that buy that crap and the perp walks, scot-free. and then goes out and does it again.
By NOT standing up to EL our popular culture will ‘normalize’ this abusive behavior and thousands of women will suffer for decades to come. So look at the big picture. There are a LOT of women out there that need your help. Screw the clowns at the wedding party. You’ll never see them again. But these other women need your help. NOW.
We’re all behind you 1000%
Thanks, Hon. I’m really sore today and can’t lift much, but I’ll live. Just really hurting right now. 😦
I thought about how EL James helping to normalize bad behavior mirrors how society is more accepting of bad behavior while so many people ask why people are getting ruder, meaner, more bullish, and less caring.
I am sorry. I hope you feel better and see a doctor.
I managed to fall right in front of a ER doctor. More pain today. 😦 I’ll live. It’s just not
fun right now.
Damn. I’m sorry you had to go through that and then to have to endure all those people joking about it. You handled it with much more grace than I would’ve and wrote about it with much more eloquence. I was always too upset and ashamed to have even been able to reflect on how wrong it was. In some ways I’m better about that though. Your post was inspiring-not in the condescending “Life-Lesson-y” way that’s more suited to Very Special Episodes-in how you were able to convey the idea that “just joking around” is not only painfully unfunny but that it ties in to broader things.
A few years ago I fell down my parents’ stairs and badly sprained/broke and ankle and I had to go to a wedding the next day. All I could fit over my foot was my strappy dress shoe (with a heel, yes, but very comfortable and didn’t press down on my foot). Well, no one could get over the fact of the shoes despite my constant attempts at explanation (we were outdoors so shoeless was not an option) and everyone made nasty “jokes” or cracks about my intelligence but NOT ONE asked if I was okay or noticed how upset I was about the prospect of severe injury (I was uninsured). The kicker was at the end of the evening when a relative, having noticed that I wasn’t dancing, tried to get me to come out and wound up tackling me to the ground.
A tailbone is way worse though. I hope your swelling goes down and that it just turns out to be bruising. And thank you for writing this despite your pain.
Unless our injuries bring entertainment, such as in the form of being something people can laugh about, few people care, and it’s frustrating! I hope that relative who tackled you got a really nasty splinter or something while tackling you. How inappropriate that was!!