I don’t want to think about how many deaths there’ve been around me in the last month.  The youngest was just five.  Toss loads of family drama on that…

Let’s get back on the Shit Show Express!

(Directory of recap links)

Not!Alice hugs the POS she calls a brother, and squeals like a twee little twit.  I admit I liked Alice in Twilight since I saw her tweeness as a semi-sarcastic response to her family acting like a bunch of idiots scared to pick out their clothes unless she told then what is a good idea and what someone might insult.  I also liked Rosalie because se was dumped on every chance Meyer could get since she, like Erica Leonard wanna-be-with-vampire-James, hates blonde women.

They head out of the airport…  Just a side note here.  A couple weeks ago I made a drive in the middle of the night from Vancouver up to the airport in Seattle a few hours north to take a friend there so she could get on the one affordable flight to Florida to see her mom before she passed.  Yeah….  Anyway, Sea-Tac looks like a carbon copy of Portland International Airport, which is an amazing airport.  I’m glad James skipped describing it since she’s get it all wrong.  I can research the color of a roof for the grocery store in a small town, but James is allergic to research.

Mia’s shallow and hung up on the shopping she did in Paris, even though she went to Paris to learn to cook.  I get the uncomfortable feeling we are supposed to see her as this lovely lady.

Sabrina Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina.  It’s on Netflix.  Watch it, if you haven’t already.

Do we want a flashback to when Grey first held Mia and his first word was to say her name and Grace cried happy tears?  No.

They get to their parents’ home, and Mia pouts because her parents didn’t ditch their jobs to meet her a week early.  What a self-centered snot.

The only person around is my parents’ housekeeper—she’s an exchange student, and I can’t remember her name. “Welcome home,” she says to Mia in her stilted English, though she’s looking at me with big cow eyes.

Oh, God. It’s just a pretty face, sweetheart.

That’s right, insult the housekeeper who sounds scared of you.  Also the exchange students are students, not hired help.  Also, Grey, get over yourself.  Your face ain’t that pretty.  It’ll be less pretty when everyone who hates your abusive ass gets a few punches in.

He ignored the poor girl, and Mia gives him a present.  Just to remind us who Grey is, it’s a snow globe with a grand piano inside.  Mia asks him about Ana, Grace walks in, Grey bitches about being asked to take Mia’s suitcase upstairs, and I need some coffee to stay awake.  This is boring.

Grey bails and goes to see his personal trainer.  Apparently Bastille is a tough trainer since they do contact-sparring.  I’ve taken taekwondo and shotokan, and both forms were with contact.  I’ve taken kicks to my face.  How are Christian’s kickboxing classes tougher for the contact?  He’s distracted, Bastille says he’s gone soft in Portland, and asks if Grey’s staying in Seattle for the week.  That’s all this section has.  Filler.  Just filler.

He jogs back to his apartment, and remembers a housewarming present for Ana.  He didn’t buy it, of course.  He has to as his assistant what she picked, and she lets him know it’s champagne and a balloon.  Thrilling….

Wait, what?  I’m confused now.  He gets up to his place to get “the present,” and it’s a riding crop.  So which is it?  Alcohol or a whip?  I’m so confused….

Taking the crop, I stroll into my bedroom. This will be the perfect introduction to my world: by her own admission Ana has no sphere of reference with regard to corporal punishment, except the spanking I gave her that night. And that turned her on.

I guess he forgot how she said she felt demeaned and abused.  She was aroused in the way some victims of rape are, where their body primes automatically to lessen the chance of damage, but she didn’t really enjoy it.  She was hurt.

We’ll take it slow. And we’ll only do what she can handle. If this is going to work we’re going to have to go at her pace. Not mine.

Fucking liar who fucking lies.  Everything is at his pace, even this.  She didn’t ask for this.  It’s what he wants.

Elena calls to tell him she met a woman who “might fulfill [his] needs.”  I’m not surprised to see a statutory rapist seeing other women as objects to service a man.  This is more filler.  It took up an entire page and a half.

Now dinner’s over, and we’re told after the fact what they had, and I don’t care what they had since it wasn’t the deadly part of a pufferfish.  Mia demands to know about Ana.  Again.  Grey simply says he met a girl, “End of story.”  Mia won’t leave it at that, and their father, Carrick tells her to knock it off.

But we’ll see in about half a second where Mia gates it from. See, Grace backs Grey into a corner, and now he feels obligated to have Ana over for dinner the following night since Kate will be there with Elliot.  Manipulative move, Mother.  Now fuck off.  Oh, wait, I was thinking about the crap my own mother pulls.  I’d rather have either of Grey’s moms, though this really is a bitch-move by Grace.

Mia, who still knows nothing about Ana, says she sounds super awesome OMG twee-SQUEE!  While bouncing in her chair.  Naturally.

Grace tells him Elena called for him.  In 2011, if someone calls a person asking for the person’s son, who has a cell phone, the response is to tell the caller to call the son herself instead of passing a long a message.  That should have tipped Grace off to stay out of it.  She knows Elena knows her son’s phone number.  She should realize her son may not want to talk to Elena.

They’re having apple cobbler for dessert.  WHO CARES??

Grace made me laugh by telling Grey he works “too hard.”  More like he doesn’t really work at all!

Grey excuses himself, and internally swears about how Ana will be meeting his family, and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

This is it for this chapter.  It’s hot dog filler and more filler.  Sorry nothing’s funny.  There’s just nothing to work with here.  So here’s something to make you laugh, just to make it worth it to have read the 1,129 words in this post: