Yes, another recap!  See?  I AM trying to keep to this weekly-again schedule.  I am, I AM!  And this time, I brought some Equestria ponies with me!  Rainbow Dash’s face says it all.  By the end of this, you may need to bandage your head too from all the head-desking:

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(Directory of recap links)

Do you think Erika will ever come up with something to say other than “dick”?  No?  Me neither.  It’s just that when Christian says “my dick,” that may as well be “myself” since he is one.  (She does say “cock” later, when trying to be all romaaaaantical, but it doesn’t work.”

After we get a state of the dick bit, there’s a sex scene that is unremarkable but for one thing, and that’s the one and only thing right in these books.  Condoms are used, even though Grey smack-talks them.  He promises if she stays awake through it, he’ll tell her some stuff about when he was a kid.

Well, there’s a problem.  This sex scene is so boring I’m literally falling asleep.

Ana stays awake better than I am, and he tells her his mother was a “crack whore” and is dead.  That’s not really fulfilling his promise, but we all know he’s a lying liar who lies a lot.

Grey has a dream he describes as “happy, angry days” in an orchard with Elliott, yet in the dream, the happy part is him punching his brother.

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I’m not kidding, my dear readers, this book made me fall asleep.  Continuing:

Blah blah dream about “romping” in the orchard with the brother he was beating.

Grey wakes after a “lie-in” until 7am, and considers starting to have sex with Ana, but, for once, reconsiders, and so Ana goes unraped.  (People are free to wake each other this way if their relationship is at a point where both people consent to this ahead of time, but Ana hasn’t had the chance to tell him it’s okay if he wants to.)

He grabs Ana’s clothes and takes them to the kitchen to have Mrs. Jones crash them.  She “smiles knowingly” about him having a woman in his bed for the first time.  Like the rat-bastard he is, he mentally snarks her about if she’s capable of making breakfast for two.

Erika really needs to stop making 7am and 8am sound like super-late times to sleep in.  Give it a rest.  Grey spends ALL NIGHT fucking.  He won’t believably be up by 5am ready to work every day.

This next bit could have been excised more than much of the rest of this book.  Mrs. J. lets him know Ana’s clothes are hung in his closet, another knowing smile, Grey mentally snarking her.  Pointless.

Back to business now, I guess.  Let’s see if the story moves instead of stalls for word count.

Grey thinks about what a good fucker he is.  He’s the best fucker.  He has all the best fucks.  He’s got the conceit of a certain orange man with tiny hands and all the honestly and care for people as a certain woman who doesn’t wear it as good as the Kool-Aid man.

Oh yeah.  I went there.  I’m ashamed that my country has presented two idiots as the best this country has to offer just as Erika should be ashamed that Grey and Steele are presented as the best romantic erotica has to offer.  Both are patently false (we have better who should be on the ballot, and Steele-Grey are in an abusive relationship), but their fans would rather keep their heads in the sand.  (I’m hearing this in John Oliver’s voice.  Your head-voice may vary.)

Since all Grey cares about is fuckeddy fuck fuck fucking, after he showers, while Ana is still asleep, he puts his last condom in his pocket because you never know when you may need one of those when you go back to the living room to talk to your house servant, Mrs. Jones.

Grey blows her off, and calls his business partner, Ros, who is openly “pissed” as his “hands-off work-ethic.”

We have an actively-likable character!!

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We are punished for liking Ros by some pages obviously meant to prove to us that Grey really does work even though Ros snarks on him again for not actually doing any work.

Go, Ros!  Go, Ros!  It’s your birt’day!  Go, Ros!

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No, Grey doesn’t know business, and Erika is a moron.  Grey and Erika, this one’s for you:

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I knew the time would eventually come to use that.

Erika gets it because she’s stupid enough to have Grey order Ros to immediately liquidate someone else’s company, and have him believe if can be done right that moment.  uh, liquidating companies takes months and requires court approval since there are investors and share-holders whose rights have to be protected.

After telling Ros fine, he’ll show up to work for once, he cancels because Ana’s awake and his peen hasn’t been for a dip n the magical vag for a few hours.  She’s there, she’s wearing little, so…

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The sexiness of Borat is a million times more than Grey, and that?  That right there ain’t sexy.  But I digress.

Grey tries to impress us by trying to make it sound like he gives a shit about Darfur, and like Forbes is amazed with him, and talking to Ros about a gala coming up, and he decides on the spot, without asking Ana, that she’s going with him.

I think the Grand Galloping Gala will be more fun.  Even though it ends in disaster for all involved. Poor girls. So excited at first….

As I’m SURE you know by now that sex happens here.  For once Ana genuinely initiates and seems excited.  Grey doesn’t care to make sure she’s lubricated before just shoving his teeny weeny into her, and when he ejaculates, it’s “spectacularly.”  Because of course.  He’s got all the fucks, all the best fucks, and all the best cums.

FML for reading this.

He’s just so beguiled be her, y’all, though he knows nothing about her, and all he really intends in his planning is finding places to fuck her.  That’s it.  Screw the gala, which is a work event.  That weekend, American Idiot is in Seattle!  In real life, the date of that gala had that show.  It’s amazing, and she might enjoy it.  Thinking about what she might enjoy would require thinking about her though.  He only thinks about how he can use what’s between her legs.

He ends up mad that she’s still going to see her mom, and more pissed that she initiated sex.  In keeping with the My Little Pony fun…

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Ana tries to tease him to smooth things over on the way to take a shower, and he tells her, “I thought you were going to have a shower?” and no, he’s not going with her, and yes, she’s hurt.

Um, Ana?  Darling?  He wants sex with you, but at the end of the day, that’s all he wants.  You’re property he’s pissed on, and his brand of love is actually possession.  He’s not really turned on by you initiating anything.  He’s wildly excited by making you have sex when he initiates and you don’t want it.

Grey makes another phone call that means nothing since we have no context for it, but he starts to think about his “crack whore” mother.

I have vague memories of the place: drunks, hobos, and crackheads shouting at us on the streets; the seedy dive we called home; and a young, broken woman, the crack whore I called Mommy, staring into space while she sat in a drab, grimy room filled with stale air and dust motes.

I want to kick Grey in the balls.  His mother was a poor women hinted at being a teen mom, and she’s broken, as even he admits, and she’s clearly lost and depressed, yet every interaction he’s recalled with her have been her doing loving things.

I’m at the end of my patience with this fucker for today, and understand fully that when Jenny Trout and the das_sporking crew said they were fed up and wanted to quit, but were pushing on for the readers?  Yeah.  I thought those were empty words.  It’s one thing to read this trash, and another to write about it.  If I didn’t want to finish this for the people I know who read and comment on Facebook, I’d soooooooo kiss this crap good-bye and let my blood pressure go back to normal.

More on this chapter next week.  Because I love all y’all now!

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